Everything is Relative

Comparison is the uncle and aunt of all misery.

We know we shouldn’t compare our insides to other people’s outsides, because what people project about themselves in social situations and on social media does not paint the whole picture. Mental health struggles are not usually visible from the outside and we never know what someone else is going through.

More insidious than that kind of comparison though, is constant comparison with yourself. The habit of always comparing yourself to who you would be if you were perfect.

Things you know, but forget:

• The best grade you ever got at school does not define you any more than the time you failed that exam. It might have felt better or worse in the moment, but it didn’t define who you are.

• Nobody ever fell in love or into friendship with you because you once ran a marathon in 2 hours 30. Achieving targets can feel wonderful, but they don’t define you. And never hitting that speed again won’t make you a failure.

• Your messy home does not tell the world anything about who you are or what you have to give. Some people like tidy; others like mess; get over it.

• Everyone else has forgotten that silly thing you said last week. In the midst of all the great stuff you say, it was nothing to anyone but you.

Some days are for climbing mountains; others are for scrolling through social media in your pyjamas. Lighten up. Take a breath. Learn to respect the ebb and flow of your own body. Some days are for expanding, growing, achieving; other days are for quiet reflection, pottering and not getting much ‘done’.

Perhaps, in fact, one depends upon the other?

If you’re always pushing yourself on days when you should be pottering, then you never replenish your energy to really go for it on the expansive days … And if you never let yourself go for it, climb the mountain, follow new leads, run a little bit faster, then you won’t appreciate the peaceful cadence of a duvet day.

Compassion, not comparison. Let your outsides reflect what is going on inside. And in so doing, teach your beloveds to do the same. How might we all be happier and healthier then.

Sarah x

Grief

Grief is the process between losing and learning to live with that loss.

The harder you loved, the harder you’ll grieve.

Those of us who are not in the denial game want to feel this loss and to hold it close, so that its blade can cut. When those wounds become scars, they are felt reminders of the amount of our loss and the love that remains.

You can grieve a death, an ending, something you realise you never had (a parents’ full support, say, or understanding from a partner). Loss comes always and everywhere. If we never lost anything we would never gain anything new: every new step requires that we leave the last footprint behind.

Beware those who dance around their grief with busyness and denial. The grief is there, but it is not being processed. This is a like a cupboard full of junk that you keep dancing past, the cupboard stays full of junk. One day, when they try to shove that latest piece of crap in there, the door won’t shut any more and the whole messy lot of it comes tumbling out at once. This might look like ill health or even breakdown.

Beware those who give a time limit for grief. Your grief belongs to you. Nobody has the right to dictate to you how much you should be feeling it, how you express it or how long it should take.

How the hell would they know what you are feeling and what you need?! You barely know yourself and you are living it. Have you noticed that the ones who tell us how to do something are often the very same ones shoving all that rubbish into that cupboard and tap-dancing by it every day singing, “Nothing to see here”

Grief is love in absentia.

After a time you realise that the love goes on, that it is alive. The person has gone, but the love remains.

For those grieving something they did not have, a sober mother or a kind dad, say, the love becomes what you hold for yourself. You are grown now and you are learning how to love yourself in the way that they could not. There is peace in that process, and the quietness of heart that comes with forgiveness.

For those grieving the end of a relationship, the love shows up in the gratitude you have for the children you made together or in your capacity to remember past times of joy.

We need to grieve better and we need to acknowledge our losses with our friends and beloveds. Only then will we get better at allowing the process in ourselves; only then will we become more patient and generous as we travel alongside a friend moving through theirs; only then can we help our children to understand and move through their own losses and sadnesses.

Sarah x

Enough

These words won’t resonate for some, but for others they are crucially important:

How much is going to be enough?

How many promotions are you going to say yes to, because they asked, because they want you? Rather than because you want it, have the bandwidth for it, can manage your other responsibilities, be there for the ones you love and take the job.

How many marathons is enough marathons? Who are they for? What is it that you think they say about you, when your knees are shot and your back hurts? Is all that pain for that moment of glory a good deal?

How perfect does that event have to be? Are you micromanaging every tiny piece of it, lest something be missing or someone find fault with it? What does it look like when you find a way to say this is enough, leave the rest to grace and let things be. How might life be different then? Less stressful, more grounded.

How much love is enough love? Do you really need everyone to like you? Do you feel discomfort that that one person over there doesn’t seem to like you very much? Can you live with it? Can you find a way to let the love that surrounds you (I have no doubt of this) be enough?

How far?

How fast?

How many?

How perfect?

Before you understand that no amount of external can bring you peace internal.

Before you realise that you are unique, whole, loved and that everything is going to be ok.

Everything is going to be ok. Let go and let be a little more. Search inside yourself for the feeling of trust.

The photograph above is the perfect illustration: you’ve been stretching towards that final room for too long. That’s where you think love, acceptance and safety lie.

But look around you, it is here. You are already in the room. You are alive, loved and brilliantly you and there is no other who is just like you in the whole world. Your folks don’t love you because you are perfect, they love you for your insconsistencies and foibles. Those are things that make you wonderfully human.

And the ones who don’t love you? That’s their choice. There is nothing you can or should do about it. Not loving is their problem to solve, not your challenge to win.

You are enough. I know you have been broken, made mistakes and stumbled. Did you think there could be a life without pain if you just worked hard enough?

Stop killing yourself for the eternal something or someone else that will prove you are good. Learn the art of love in all its forms and acceptance, energy and joy will surely follow.

Sarah x