Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries will help you to preserve your energy for the people, events and things that are really important to you. They will help to move you away from a frantic life in which you have too much to do and too little time.

Our days can become a whirlwind of racing from one thing to another, finally collapsing in the evening/at the weekend with very little left to give the most important people in our lives, or the creativity that makes our hearts sing.

Boundaries are simply a way of making intentional decisions about what you let in and what you keep out of your life. They are a way or making sure that you save your energy for the tasks, people and creativity that you really want and need to do.

If you are clear about your boundaries, then it is easier to say a kind, but forthright no when someone asks you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable with. You won’t feel forced to say yes against your better judgement and end up wishing you’d hadn’t, ending up wasting your time, getting upset or frustrated because you could be spending that time doing something else.

If you are clear about your boundaries, then it is easier to take the time before answering a request to make sure that you give a genuine answer.

Try not to complicate things: boundaries are simply a way of managing your energy. Energy is limited. Use it wisely. No matter who we are, we only get the same 24 hour period in every single day. How are you spending yours?

And boundaries are very personal. Don’t explain your boundaries to anyone - how could they understand your reasons? And their approval is not required.

Boundaries will help you to understand and fulfil your own needs so that when you come to your job, or your friend, or life in general, you have plenty to give. You are no longer running on a permanently empty tank, racing to keep up with yourself, or waking up wishing you’d done something differently. Instead you become as calm and joyful and open and loving as it is possible for you to be.

It is not always easy. What you are addressing here is your very real need to be loved, to feel known and accepted. You might be the person who always says yes, the one who can always be relied upon to sort out problems, the one who always listens when people want to talk. Perhaps you are all three … in which case you are no doubt exhausted!

But you don’t need to make everyone love you. You are surrounded by people who love you. The ones who need you the most are not usually the ones who make the most noise about it.

So begin. Make a small one. Keep it quiet. Try it out. In a couple of weeks, make another. Be honest and stay true to yourself. The deeper work is self-compassion and you’ll be working on this for the rest of your days.

Sarah x

Motivation

We’re doing a challenge through January on my Facebook page: we have committed to do a certain yoga practice for the 31 days. Some have promised to begin or end their day with yoga, others to meditate every day, each person has made their own promise to themselves based on their needs or interest.

We are doing it because January is a tough time of the year for many people and this particular January there is a lot of bad news around with regard to the pandemic. This is a way for us to try to get through the month with as much grace, humour and kindness as possible, by doing yoga regularly.

We are holding each other accountable. We post when we have practised and we read about other people’s practice. Folks check in and communicate with each other. It’s a happy and supportive place to be this month.

I don’t fully understand why the simple act of coming together to do this helps us to stay true to the commitment that we have made. People are sharing that they wouldn’t have come to their mat (they were busy, exhausted, interrupted by a family member…) if it wasn’t for this challenge and therefore how grateful that they are to be taking part.

It is very motivating.

Perhaps motivation is the wrong word? Motivation comes and goes. Nobody is motivated all of the time. What is then that takes over and sees us coming to our mat even when we don’t feel like it?

Accountability to the group: we are social creatures and this is a friendly group. Others have shared their daily experience and this encourages us to do our bit, make our own contribution.

Faith. The Sanskrit word for this is Sraddha and we find it Yoga Sutra 1.20. Encapsulated here is the idea that when motivation is low, our faith in the practice of yoga helps us come to the mat. Most of us know what practising yoga gives us: peace, calm, a more comfortable way of living - that’s why we do it. When motivation is low, simple faith in yoga’s efficacy helps us to overcome lethargy and do a little of what helps.

Kindness. Everyone in the group has chosen their commitment with self-compassion in mind. They have asked themselves what will make them feel better this month and designed their practice with only that aim in mind. This makes the whole experience nurturing, positive and kind.

Flexibility. Yoga takes many forms: breathwork, asana, meditation, relaxation, mantra, etc. The commitment here is to come to your mat - how you practice will look different every day and rightly so. This means that you are working with your body, mind and emotions, not pushing through them to fulfil a goal.

Someone said they are enjoying the routine and I love that. The routine of self-care.

Someone else said that after their practice they could ‘go back and join the melee with a calm mind’ When we feel calmer and more whole, we are nicer people to be around and have more to give.

More words from the group: feeling grateful, feeling reflective, a lot of peace and stillness, glad of this incentive to come to my mat every day, probably wouldn’t have gone back this evening otherwise!

Fear is catching. The world has shown us that over the last 2 years. But so is peace. In an atmosphere of kindness and mutual support we are inspiring each other simply by sharing our own experiences of yoga. It’s a fine way to move through this darkest of months.

Sarah x

Embracing the Dark

I wish I could remember, when I am in darkness, that there is much to learn there.

Intellectually I know this, because I have witnessed it very many times. What rises when I emerge from a quiet, dark time is inspiration, renewed commitment and very often a new idea or way forward that turns out to be exactly the right direction for me.

But it is hard to recall this when you are in the middle of it.

The dark times, which in my life turn up as feelings of sadness and grief, I characterise as a need to withdraw a little, the sense of making myself very small and keeping very quiet while the process works its way through.

These are the times when it is important to stay warm, take good, quiet but steadfast care of myself and to let myself feel whatever is asking to be felt.

It’s not easy.

Why it feels like some kind of failure, I can’t quite put my finger on. Perhaps I have been sold the misguided conviction that life should always feel positive, that I should always be working to move forwards, that ambition rules.

This is what I have learned:

The dark, quiet times pass. It is very important not to degrade the experience, which I see as one ultimately of hope, by rejecting yourself when you are most in need. When the dark, quiet times come, I have to be mindful every day about not falling into self-recrimination or worse, self-flagellation. I used to do that, it doesn't help, it only fuels a descent into something much more lonely and hopeless.

Small steps are enough. What will make you feel better when you go to bed tonight? You don’t need to change the world today, you only need to create a meal, walk the dog, do your meditation.

Be careful which voices you choose to let into your world. Now is not the time for arguments on the radio, or habitually checking the news. I can tell you it will be bad (bad news gets clicks) and knowing it won’t help you just now. Choose voices that you love, that offer you solace and comfort. Mine are folks such as Gabor Maté, Brene Brown, Harper Lee, Byron Katie, Ram Dass … their voices soothe, whether they are on paper or via podcast.

My darkness is lifting, which is why I am able to write this today. When I am inside it, I am unable to do much but my daily practice and the small tasks of life.

But here’s the thing: something needed to be sifted through and considered. Something new came up (as things are wont to to do) and I had to sit quietly with it for a while to understand it and then to encompass that new understanding into the way I live now. This was quite painful and difficult, but on the far side of the darkness lies greater clarity, understanding and forgiveness. Always.

If I was to reject this process entirely, for fear of the darkness, then I would never get to the other side where the fruits of honest reflection lie.

If you understand what I am writing about, if you too sometimes feel overwhelmed, grief-stricken and sad, then I hope you too will find a way to hold yourself kindly and with love through these times. I hope you can find the courage to sit with yourself honestly and not avoid what is asking to be seen. I hope you find as much solace in your yoga practice and the wisdom of yogis through the ages as I do.

On the other side is something more compassionate, more filled with forgiveness and understanding and more wise. I promise you that. Life is a great teacher.

Sarah x