I wish I could remember, when I am in darkness, that there is much to learn there.
Intellectually I know this, because I have witnessed it very many times. What rises when I emerge from a quiet, dark time is inspiration, renewed commitment and very often a new idea or way forward that turns out to be exactly the right direction for me.
But it is hard to recall this when you are in the middle of it.
The dark times, which in my life turn up as feelings of sadness and grief, I characterise as a need to withdraw a little, the sense of making myself very small and keeping very quiet while the process works its way through.
These are the times when it is important to stay warm, take good, quiet but steadfast care of myself and to let myself feel whatever is asking to be felt.
It’s not easy.
Why it feels like some kind of failure, I can’t quite put my finger on. Perhaps I have been sold the misguided conviction that life should always feel positive, that I should always be working to move forwards, that ambition rules.
This is what I have learned:
The dark, quiet times pass. It is very important not to degrade the experience, which I see as one ultimately of hope, by rejecting yourself when you are most in need. When the dark, quiet times come, I have to be mindful every day about not falling into self-recrimination or worse, self-flagellation. I used to do that, it doesn't help, it only fuels a descent into something much more lonely and hopeless.
Small steps are enough. What will make you feel better when you go to bed tonight? You don’t need to change the world today, you only need to create a meal, walk the dog, do your meditation.
Be careful which voices you choose to let into your world. Now is not the time for arguments on the radio, or habitually checking the news. I can tell you it will be bad (bad news gets clicks) and knowing it won’t help you just now. Choose voices that you love, that offer you solace and comfort. Mine are folks such as Gabor Maté, Brene Brown, Harper Lee, Byron Katie, Ram Dass … their voices soothe, whether they are on paper or via podcast.
My darkness is lifting, which is why I am able to write this today. When I am inside it, I am unable to do much but my daily practice and the small tasks of life.
But here’s the thing: something needed to be sifted through and considered. Something new came up (as things are wont to to do) and I had to sit quietly with it for a while to understand it and then to encompass that new understanding into the way I live now. This was quite painful and difficult, but on the far side of the darkness lies greater clarity, understanding and forgiveness. Always.
If I was to reject this process entirely, for fear of the darkness, then I would never get to the other side where the fruits of honest reflection lie.
If you understand what I am writing about, if you too sometimes feel overwhelmed, grief-stricken and sad, then I hope you too will find a way to hold yourself kindly and with love through these times. I hope you can find the courage to sit with yourself honestly and not avoid what is asking to be seen. I hope you find as much solace in your yoga practice and the wisdom of yogis through the ages as I do.
On the other side is something more compassionate, more filled with forgiveness and understanding and more wise. I promise you that. Life is a great teacher.
Sarah x
