The Shades Between

In seeking to make sense of the world, humans always seem to be looking for things to be black and white. But most things live in the shades between. Perhaps you see this even in your own family: your elderly relative is kind and judgmental. Your niece is unwilling to help out and a joy to be with. You yourself are generous and easily frustrated.

Yoga philosophy is very clear on this. Since all is one, there is no such thing as a good or bad human; there are only people who are confused, damaged, wrong-thinking. There is no such thing as a good or bad event; there are only things happening all of the time and us trying to cope with it to the best of our ability and with as much compassion as possible, gaining wisdom as we go.

I know that this is a difficult concept. But if you are living with an idea that you can in or out, good or bad, deserving or undeserving, then you are going to be fearful, to struggle, to grasp onto things that are always slipping away from you, since the world is constantly in flux and will not be pinned down. This is no way to spend your time.

Yoga means union and if there is union, then it does not make sense to believe that over here we have the ‘good’ stuff and over there we have the darker ‘bad’ stuff. How can you talk of all being one, when you have separated everything out into two?

There is peace to be found in understanding that the world exists in shades of grey, there is kindness, happiness and honesty in it.

There is power in it too, this is certainly not about passively accepting wrongdoing. Nelson Mandela forgave those who imprisoned him. If he had believed his opponents were fundamentally different to him, the war would have continued, but in embracing them as fellow humans, whatever their misguided beliefs had been, he ended apartheid.

Mandela was a hero on the world stage, but we are all the heroes of our own lives. We don’t exist in black and white, we live in the greys. Do you have the courage to embrace this complexity? Two things concurrently can be true. And most often, they are.

Namaste x

How to Be in Balance

Learning to ride a bicycle is difficult. You have to find the right balance and the right speed of travel, you need the confidence to know that you can slow down without falling and stop safely when required to. Also that you can get going again without too much of a wobble.

Learning to live well requires the same amount of judgement, sensitivity and confidence.

You’ll need to find the right balance between being sociable and being solitary, being stimulated and being calm, being in noisy places and being quiet. You’ll need to know that you have a safe place to rest when you need it, and the confidence to stop completely when required.

The ratio of each will change all of the time, depending on the season, your health, and whatever else is going on in your life. Living without making sense of yourself and your own personal balance leads to depletion, short-temperedness and/or burnout. Perhaps you have discovered this.

Ride your bicycle carefully this Christmas. Stop when you need to. Nobody gains when you fall off. You need to dance in the kitchen when the opportunity arises and you need sleep and kindness too. Know your own limits and guard your boundaries patiently.

Namaste x

Befriending Anxiety

Because all of us know people who are struggling with anxiety, some advice.

Very simple, very easy to follow, but they will need your help sticking to the regime (and if you’re the one struggling, you’ll need a beloved to help you stay on track).

Firstly, you cannot cure anxiety with the same thing that created it. What I mean by this that you can’t talk yourself out of anxiety with your mind, you cannot rationalise or negotiate with it. All that happens when you do this is that you end up in a perpetual conversation with yourself, wondering why you can’t ever move on and feeling bad about it.

Anxiety is not rational, therefore your rational mind cannot help you (and nor can anyone else’s, for those of you addicted to telling friends about all of your worries and hoping it will help).

Let the anxiety be.

There is one simple thing that you need to do:

make your body a safe place for your mind to live in.

This is how:

1. Breathing practice. Every day, at least twice.

2. Exercise. It doesn’t matter what, for how long or where. A walk is as good as a run here, yoga as good as a workout. If you can’t stick to things, don’t - hit the gym for three weeks, then get bored, do yoga for a month, then switch to Park Runs. It doesn’t matter what, it only matters that you do it. Every day for at least 20 minutes.

3. Don’t take anything personally. It’s a hard one this, so practice. You’re good, you have enough friends, you have people who love you. Sometimes someone won’t like you, love you, talk to you kindly. Get over it and move on (never, ever waste time trying to persuade them they are wrong about you).

4. Choose one therapy that helps you and do it. Every month. Massage, tapping, talking therapy, facial, whatever.

Consistency is king.

The world will keep throwing shit at you. The only way to handle it is to ensure that your own body, with all of its chemicals, hormones, joints, muscles and mechanisms is a safe place for your mind and soul to live.

The trouble is that the anxious get distracted very easily. This is why you need someone to help you stay on track.

The trouble is that the anxious don’t like people helping them to stay on track, so they don’t bother with that bit. Then they wake up 3 months later in a mental stew wondering how and when they stopped going for that weekly wild swim that made them feel 100 times better.

Do you see how simple this is, but how hard it is to stick to it when you are an anxious person. If you want to help your beloved with their anxiety, help them to do the 4 things above, that’s all. Every day, every week, forever.

Love them, love yourself.
Instead of hoping for what can never be (a safe, predictable world) let your body/their body become the safe home you/they are longing for.